At present I am in a state of depression. PMS I think. Lately this has been happening a lot. I actually feel as
though I don't care about a lot of things. It is such a horrible feeling. I don't understand why I must go through this
when I do. (------) birthday was Monday. Tomorrow she is having a sleep over and on Saturday we are all going
to get dressed up and go out to one of the nice malls here in (----------). The plan is to eat and see a movie. My
nerves are so bad right now. I am so tired of so many things and I am seriously considering cigarettes. I had a
physical a few days ago and I was given a few choices. Invitro- fertilization or a hysterectomy. My complaint for
the past 4 years has been pain during sex and horrible PMS and menstrual cycles. Hysterectomy in hopes of
getting rid of the pain or allow them to get me pregnant since the military took away my options 4 years ago.
The way I feel at present is that I would need neither if I weren't with my husband. I am rambling and I will talk to
you later.
Love you (-------)
RawEssence' reply:
Baby girl, take a deeep breath and exhale. This really will pass. PMS is a real condition and tends to magnify
feelings that are ever present in our spirit. The thing we have to do is figure out how to rid ourselves of these
dormant feelings since we can't do anything about the PMS. When I suffered alot with depression, my life
seemed to operate on automatic around me. My participation was only out of courtesy of living. That is a
terribly disconnected feeling and I feel strong empathy for what you are going through. I have been there and
fight daily to keep things from contaminating my spirit so that I will never have to go back. The Lord had to force
me to do some serious "housekeeping" in my heart and mind in order to heal to the point I am today. I also
understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of unfair circumstances in life. Child molestors, abusers,
medical malpractice, job discrimination and the PTSD that resulted from that robbed me of the opportunity to
have children and lead a 'normal' life as the one you have-- At least that is what man says. Death robbed me of
my dreams of a happy marriage that wasn't all that happy You were there- you know the story. I know that I was
unable to to heal myself. Only divine intervention from God through Jesus Christ could loose me from the
madness in my mind. Luke 13:11 "And behold, there was a woman which had a spirit of infirmity eighteen
years, and was bowed together, and could in no wise lift up herself". You see, I can't change the past, but in
Christ I can find a place to accept that nothing in my life has ever been about me per se. I didn't then, nor do I
now know what the Lord was making out of me. I do know that it was always according to his purpose- His
design for my life. He was, and is making and preparing me to carry out HIS purpose according to HIS plan.
Every thing I went through was for HIS glory today in my life. Isaiah 55:8-11 "...For my thoughts are not your
thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are
my ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. As the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not
return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish so that it yields seed for the sower and
bread for the eater, So is MY WORD that goes out from my mouth. IT WILL NOT RETURN TO ME EMPTY,
BUT WILL ACCOMPLISH what I DESIRE, and ACHIEVE the PURPOSE for which I SENT IT." (That's my
Daddy talking girl!) We have to recognize that God has a divine purpose for our existence. We do not exist for
our own comfort and wishes - although the Lord will accomodate his children if it fits within his higher purpose.
Today, I can gratefully accept the lessons and tests that the Lord allowed in my life because I know that he was
only "making me". James 1:2-4"My brethen, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this,
that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and
ENTIRE, wanting nothing." Ask God to come into your life and seek wisdom concerning the unhealed hurts in
your life. Ask God to address the wounds that seem to open up fresh during your weakest moments. He is
faithful to answer. Seek his face and he WILL answer. Luke 13:12-13"And when Jesus saw her, he called her
to him, and said unto her, Woman thou art loosed from thine infirmity. And he laid his hands on her; and
IMMEDIATELY she was made straight, and glorified God." See Baby Girl, your life is meant to be a testimony
for God's Glory! So begin to count it all joy- because YOU ARE LOOSED from your infirmities! Count the many
blessings in your life today. Remember what HE brought you through and raise your hand in victory through
Christ because it ALL WAS FOR A REASON! Look at me. Look at my life and see HIM! LOOK IN THE
MIRROR and see HIM! I love you, Sis! And this MOMENT FOR YOU IS ALREADY PAST! Begin to Rejoice
and watch the pain turn into joy. Feel the shackles that have bound you melt away-never to return. What we
thought were shackles were actually Bracelets from God when we came to believe!
RAWESSENCE copyright 2000
" My Baby is brown, and all she does is laugh.....!"
